Dogs 🐶

I’ve traveled to London today as I have to be in our London office for a meeting tomorrow. I bloody hate traveling – the fact you’re trapped in an air conditioned vestibule and can’t just press a button and get off if you get tummy ache. I hate the fact you can’t open windows for fresh air, and I hate not being in control of my fate. 

I tried to read a bit, and did some work. I’m reading a good book at the mo called The Girls and I have a feeling it’s gonna get dark. Real dark.

I had moments on the journey where I thought I was going to panic. I breathed through it – reached for instagram to see what “normal” people were up to (as if frolicking on a sun soaked beach in Bali wearing a thong is a regular Monday morning view).

When I got to London, I was on autopilot. Usually I panic when I get to London – obviously it’s going to be dangerous; what, with all those robbers and rapists and terrorists just walking the streets freely. Look, I realise there’s absolutely no logic in my thoughts, but that’s why they call them irrational!! Anyway, I find if I’m on autopilot and pretend I’m in a film or something and have to look like I totally know what I’m doing, then I’ll believe it’s true.

I hate this hotel. It stinks if air freshener and there are no windows that open, which makes me feel trapped.

Had dinner with a colleague, and we were talking about life and even the thought of starting my withdrawal is making me anxious. 

My new anxiety is over who I am. Because I’ve been on these pills for almost half my life – all my adult life, I’m wondering if I actually even know the real me. Like, what if I’m just completely different, or can’t function without them. What if my adult brain doesn’t know how to “adult” without them? It’s a risk I’m going to have to take.

What’s the worse that can happen? 

On another note; my dad called this evening to tell me that Father Michael who was so kind to me when Jarvis died, has passed away. I felt really sad. And I’m wondering what’s happened to his beautiful retriever dogs?! (Typical).

Anyway, I realise I’ve titled this post “Dogs” with no explanation as to why. I’ll tell you why. Our London office allows dogs 🐶 so you know what I’ll be doing tomorrow! Dogs make everything OK.