I miss you

Mate, I miss you. 

Everyday I think of you, and today is one of those where I need to speak to you, and for you to say “is it as bad as Day 10?” and tell me it’s ok, and that you’re my person and that watching Grey’s Anatomy and having a good cry is ok. 

I’m going to see a psychologist – I know I’m gonna have to talk about loads of stuff and I wonder if you’ll come up? I mean, you will because I talk about you a lot, but I wonder what we’ll talk about. 

I wonder now how you managed to cope with your dark days. How were you always so strong? Were you not OK really? I mean, I know it wasn’t easy but you bossed it. You were so strong and real about everything, all those years you just nailed it. And here I am, with nothing wrong, but feeling like nothing is right.  I don’t feel deserving of being miserable.  

I know that if I called you now you’d tell me to come over and have a bath, and you’d make me delicious food and Noz would let me cuddle him even though he (pretended) he hated it. 

I know that you’d let me just sit on your sofa and you’d light candles and it would smell of Jo Malone, and we’d talk about nothing and everything and I’d leave feeling refreshed and happy and calm. And everything would be put back into perspective. 

I wish I had your courage, and your mindset.  I wonder what you’re doing. I wonder every day. And I live in wonder of you because you are WONDERFUL. 

I miss you. That’s all. Just wanted to say that. 

If you were still here I’d do a silly dance for you, and make you laugh.  Even if I was crying, I’d still do a silly dance just to see you laugh. I love your laugh. I still have a video of you on my phone from bonfire night a few years ago when noz set off fireworks in the garden and nearly set fire to the house, and you can hear your laugh in the background. 

In fact, I’m gonna watch those videos and remember you as vividly as I can. 

I love you.