Here goes. I’ve been wanting to write something for a while now, and today is just THE day. Perhaps it’s the book i’m reading at the moment (Mad Girl, by Bryony Gordon) or the fact I’ve just smashed all seasons of Girls within a month… who knows. Either way, I feel inspired to write.
I am a newlywed; to the wonderful Josh. We got together in September 2014 and married 5th November 2016. He’s the love of my life. He’s my saviour. Before him; I was broken, and he mended me. He gave me reason.
In September 2013 I lost a baby. I gave birth to Jarvis Donovan at 23 weeks. He was stillborn because he was really sick, and one day I may tell the whole story, but for now, that’s all you’re getting. Today, I was excited as I made my appointment to have my coil removed (I have the Mirena Coil fitted). Josh and I want to start trying for a baby in the next few months, so we’re preparing… step by step… ciggy after ciggy (we will give up!!). I was excited, and on my way to mums to spend the day outdoors and get rid of the negative thoughts I’ve been having. (yesterday was a shit day where I just couldn’t leave the sofa. Nothing had happened to trigger it, it was just one of those days). On my way to Pannal, I was listening to Radio 2 – Jeremy Vine. He has this doctor on most days around lunch time, and people ring in with their questions and concerns and they make it all OK. Today’s subject was around medication and pregnancy. The doctor said she wanted to talk about Mental Health and Pregnancy. They then went on to discuss what meds were safe and not safe to take whilst pregnant… and my heart sank. The medication I take, and have taken since I was 17 (I’m now 35) is absolutely NOT safe during pregnancy. It can cause congenital heart defects (this relates to the reason Jarvis died, but I can’t go into it yet). So, it turns out, I was mis-sold this drug, like PPI or something YEARS ago when I was only 17 and now it is going to harm my baby!?!? The baby I don’t even have yet!!?? So I cried all the way to mums.
I called the doctor. I have to come off this drug! For anyone interested, it’s called Seroxat (Paroxetine) and I take 10mg a day. It’s incredibly addictive and notoriously fucking hard to stop taking due to the horrendous withdrawal. I called the doctor because I need to stop taking it, I can’t lose another child. I can’t not give Josh what he wants more than anything! I need to be able to have a healthy baby.
I’m scared. I’ve been so dependant on this drug for so long and I’m scared to the core of stopping taking it. Not only that, but I have to give up smoking too and I already feel like I’m in too deep. But, I’m going to do it and I’m going to write this blog to share my experience of coming off it, and make it more known that it can be possible to come off it safely (I hope!!).
As I go along, I’m sure I’ll write more about why I have the thoughts I have, why I’m scared of pretty much everything, and it might get dark. It might get scary and messy and regretful, but I’m going to document the gore, and the truth and share this upcoming journey.
So there we go. First blog. My gluten free, veggie pie is ready so I’m off to eat it with loads of mushy peas like a proper Yorkshire lass.