The thing about anxiety and panic most of the time is that it’s not logical. After having a fine day, keeping myself busy with work and then home life I’ve come to bed, to wind down and my mind is going crazy with anxious thoughts and I have the feeling an anxiety attack is approaching.
To calm myself down I’m telling myself that these physical symptoms are just anxiety, but the anxiety is saying “but what if it’s not just the anxiety, what if you actually are really sick and you’ve just been thinking it’s the anxiety when all along there’s something seriously wrong with you”
Welcome to my brain.
My anxiety is mainly health related. I worry about getting sick all the time and the thought of getting sick makes me feel physically sick and anxious so it’s a difficult one.
The other key trigger for me is the feeling of being trapped. Now, this can be trapped in a lift, a plane, an enclosed space. But it’s also a fear of being trapped in my mind and body when (if) it fails me. So, being trapped in my anxious brain in the midst of having a panic attack makes me feel even more anxious! And the thought of going mad terrifies me.
I know I’m not mad – I’ve been assured I’m not mad. I’ve been told I have an anxiety disorder. But it’s chicken and egg.
I scare the crap out of myself thinking that I’m gonna go mad and have no escape because I can’t escape my brain! I have started to find it difficult to even watch situations on TV where people are being held somewhere against their will, as it just messes with my brain.
I’m actually ok though. My mum and my mother in law actually mentioned I’d not written in a while, and it’s because I’ve been well. And I’m well now, it’s just that husband is at work still and I’m alone in the house (my anxious mind is hoping no one can track my address from a blog post and come kill me).
I didn’t do my bedtime yoga this evening as I was just too tired so maybe that’s a contributing factor to why I’m feeling anxious as I try to fall asleep.
I wanted to note this down so that I can remind myself when I see my therapist on Friday to discuss with her how I felt this week.
But yeah. Anxiety is so odd and scary and irrational and just awful, but understanding it’s OK and that it’s just anxiety and nothing more, we can learn to embrace it and get along with it, as if it’s a friend, a being, and not a foe.
Night. Also, apologies for the harrowing title image – I think I may have even scared myself with this one!