Today I’m supposed to be going to see my favourite little girl in a dance competition. It’s not even that far away! Maybe 40 minute drive? I was so looking forward to it, and had planned my morning to make sure I was ready for 1pm to set off.
It’s 12.50 and I’m still in my pyjamas. I can’t go. I mean, I can go but I just can’t. All of a sudden I’m riddled with anxiety and my brain has made my body feel weak and sick, and now all I can do is lay on the sofa and hope to sleep and wake up feeling better.
I know logically that leaving the house and going out with my favourite people will make me feel better but at this moment in time I’m paralysed. Hindsight will make me feel regret that I didn’t just go, and that my “chimp” won this battle. Foresight tells me that later when husband is still at work, I’ll feel lonely and regret not seeing anyone today.
This is what anxiety is like. A phone call 3 hours ago had me sounding and feeling confident that I was going today. And now, only a few hours later I’m a different person with a different energy and I feel like shit. I feel so guilty for letting people down. I feel so scared that I’m gonna feel worse. I just have to remind myself that I’m going through this ride and that sometimes I’m just gonna feel like this, and I need to ride it out and it’s OK!
Trying to figure out what’s set this off, and it’s probably a number of things;
- It’s timed. And by that I mean, we have to be there at a certain time
- It finishes at a certain time, and being the designated driver means that others are relying on me to get home which means I can’t leave if I start to feel like shit
- I don’t know the way, it’s not somewhere I’ve been before so what if I don’t like it?
- It’s planned, and something I was looking forward to, which basically means I’m not entitled or deserving of a nice day out
I can only hope that my friends and family understand when I let them down last minute. That they’re forgiving and can try not to hold it against me. I can only hope.