Hey. Been a while. Soz.
I haven’t actually felt inspired to write lately. I’ve not felt inspired to do anything to be honest! All part and parcel of withdrawal and managing the side effects I guess.
It’s been a real mixed couple of weeks. I had a good week last week and felt happy for a few days. Genuinely happy. Then I crashed again. For absolutely no reason. I was so irritable and mad at everyone and just felt trapped inside myself. I felt the urge to escape but it was me I needed to escape from, which isn’t actually possible. So, I dealt with it. I slept a lot. I battled with my brain constantly. It was like I was having a constant conversation with myself telling myself to just get through it and that tomorrow would be better. It was scary and exhausting.
Last Friday was my first therapy session. I felt pretty crap in the morning beforehand because I was apprehensive. Having spoken to her on the phone, I’d not felt a “connection” with her, and so I worried I wouldn’t be able to talk or form a bond.
She was actually ok. I didn’t struggle to talk… obvs.
Turns out, there’s a lot I need to work on. I got talking about my whole life – from my early childhood, school, teens, 20’s and now my 30’s. I was happiest as a child and in school and then everything went wrong in my 20s and actually I spoke to her about things I’ve never spoken to anyone about. Things I’m so ashamed of. Things I now know I hate myself for and are now affecting me in my relationships and outlook. It explains the guilt I feel towards my parents, the insane love and gratuity I feel for my husband, and the want to stay indoors and be settled. It explains my anxiety to go out, and be sociable and make plans. It doesn’t, however, explain my health anxiety, which I need to really work on. For a first session though, it was pretty eye opening. I found myself openly talking about how I was terrified I was mad.
I then got talking about Kate and cried my eyes out. I haven’t cried about Kate for a while, but talking about how inspiring she is and how much she helped me with my own demons made me realise I’m still gutted about her dying. I’ve never ever dealt with death, I’ve never lost someone close to me, and so I don’t know how to deal with it really. I mean, of course I’m still upset, but maybe I’m more upset than I thought? Who knows. The brain is so complexed, I don’t know what will come out in these sessions.
The other thing that came out of the session was my relationship with my mum. My mum is my favourite person in the whole world. Even at 35, I’m so close to her and I need her. I’ve not yet let go, even now that I’m married! I still need to speak to her daily, see her weekly, and can’t bear to think of her ever getting ill or dying. The thought of her dying makes me want to die. I genuinely don’t think I could live without her. Apparently this isn’t ideal; and so I need to become more independent of her (nope).
So I feel positive about my next session on Friday and I’m genuinely interested to see how things progress.
Another thing which I think is having an impact is Bates Motel. Laugh all you want, but this is a genuine anxiety. I love the show, I really do, but my god it messes me up.
For those of you who don’t know what Bates Motel is about (don’t worry, I thought it was a nice tv show about a Motel) it’s about Norman Bates aka PSYCHO. It’s about his relationship with his mother and how he doesn’t see his own madness but in fact thinks it’s his mother who’s mad and is killing people. Now this scares the crap out of me. He genuinely doesn’t know he’s doing it, and genuinely thinks it’s his mum, yet he’s in an “institute” and can’t get out.
Holy shit. This makes me feel so claustrophobic and scared. What if I’m mental and I just don’t know? What if none of this is real? Last night in bed, me and husband had just binge watched 4 episodes and as I was falling asleep, he said something along the lines of “but what if you’re not actually who you think you are” and that was it; terror. He didn’t realise that would bother me, he was only joking, but I couldn’t get to sleep after that. I was so scared!
Wow, this post is shit. I’ll write about the physical withdrawal symptoms I’m going through, coz that’s way more interesting 😐
- I’m even lazier than normal
- I’m tired
- I wake up aching
- I’m having knarly dreams. Like, the worst dreams ever and they’re so vivid that I wake up shaking
- I have heartburn
- I have a headache every evening – verging on migraine
- My eyes hurt
- My vision is blurred
- I’m dizzy
- I feel like I have vertigo
- My skin is shit
- I’m fidgeting – constantly picking my face/cuticles/feet
- I’m so thirsty
- I feel disgusting. I have no desire to dress nice, do my make up, brush my hair. I’m like an actual oaf. I feel obese and ugly and just gross.
The above could of course be symptoms of a new disease I’ve managed to get… of course it could be because I have health related anxiety so of course I’m dying. It’s more likely to be withdrawal though. Here’s hoping! I also thought i could be pregnant, but I’m not.
Work are still being absolutely amazingly supportive. I’m so lucky to work for a company who are so supportive of mental health issues. I’m working from home which is giving the space and time I need to get better. I’m going back into the office next week though. I think I’m ready? I just feel like the longer I’m away, the bigger of an issue it becomes to go back. I just need to get in the car and drive there. I’ll be ok. And if I’m not, I can come home, I’m not trapped.
Husband is working til late tonight so I’m alone. There’s always the worry that I’ll let time pass by causing myself physical harm from picking myself to pieces until i bleed but I’m going to put a film on and focus on it. Then I’m going to have an early night.
Tata for now.