Another hard day. Right now I am scared and I’m crying and I think I’m crying because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I have to even go through withdrawal and it’s not fair on my friends and my family. Husband is so supportive but I feel so guilty that I worry him, and I worry my family.
I got ready and up to leave for work this morning and then just couldn’t. I couldn’t leave the house. I crawled back under the duvet and made it go away. For an hour, at least. But then my dreams were awful too so I just can’t escape at the moment.
When I’m awake I’m scared and when I’m asleep I have awful dreams.
I’ve worked all morning and have felt ok but it’s been a struggle to keep my concentration. I’m struggling with words, and stringing simple sentences together, and my usual organised mind feels like it’s turning to jelly.
I was opening a box today with a knife. It crossed my mind that I could hurt myself. The thought passed immediately but the fact I even thought it for a second scares the shit out of me.
It’s temporary; I must remember this. It’s all just temporary. I have everything I could ever wish for (apart from millions in the bank) but seriously; I have everything.
I need to remember in these waves of real sadness and anxiousness that I have everything and that I will get through this. I can see the end of the tunnel at least and I need to keep focused on that.
I will do this for myself, for husband and for my family. The light at the end of this is that I’m drug free and healthy and in control of my own destiny. The light is that we can try for a baby once this shit is out of my system.
I’m angry that I was ever prescribed this crap. But there’s no point looking back in anger.
Dad is coming over for a chat, and a brew then I’ll carry on with work and do some yoga and look after myself. I’m worth looking after.
Even just writing this blog helps – and it’s exactly why I write it.
Mental illness is really scary, but talking, writing, sharing has a way of making it a little less scary.
That’s all for today. Gonna ride the wave and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I’ll at least get out of the door!